It used to be in America that we had two great loves, Mom and Apple Pie. It seems sometimes that we still love mom, but why is everyone messing with Apple Pie? I made this point to an acquaintance of mine, and he retorted "It's because apple pie stinks." "What?! Apple pie doesn't stink" I retorted "Apple pie has a wonderful aroma and is delicious!" He laughed, and then I said "Don't you get it man, you are apple pie." At that point he nearly froze and looked shocked. "I'm not apple pie" he said. "Well that would explain why you hate apple pie, us Americans love apple pie! Sometimes we even call it "American Pie" you pie f*cker!" He laughed but there was an unsettling look in his eye, like he felt stupid or guilty or something. You see he finally understood what I was talking about, there are too many "pie f*ckers" running around messing with America and All-Americans.
We Americans love apples, eat them all the time. It was for this reason that Johnny Appleseed travelled the country dropping apple seeds all over God's creation. When I was a kid, we even had an apple tree in the back yard, and we turned those apples off that tree into delicious apple pie. Today the kids don't like apple pie, they like video games from foreign countries, swiss chocolate, foreign cars, cheap foreign consumer goods, cafe mocha lattes, and pie f*ckers! Just a word to you kiddies out there, apple pie is for eating not sticking your thingy in...psst that is just a movie!
You're probably wondering what set off all this rage in me. Well its simple, everywhere I turn I see people messing with All-Americans and All-American apple pie. We Americans are known for having a good sense of humor. Shadefruende sadism---well that's for Nazis! Today America is besieged, besieged by itself. Part of the problem began with the 21st century when a bunch of nut-jobs with too much time on their hands started mocking American traditions, like the Constitution, beer drinking, and butt-kickin, and started sicking the bible belt on all of us to get us to give up freedom of speech, press, religion in the name of their version of events and denomination. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind religious people trying to reason with me, or anything, or to win me over to their religion, but let's face it, not everybody can be right. And besides people travel here from all over the globe to escape religious persecution.
If that weren't bad enough, we have a band of New Age comedians, so fearful of being sent into the fires of perdition by fundamentalist Christians or a resurrected Christ that they attack everything from church on Sunday, synagogue, and Christian and Jewish heroes like Jesus and Elijah. Now don't get me wrong, they have freedom of speech too, but so do us All-Americans, and some of us are sick and tired of getting hit by the bible thumpers on the right and the atheists on the left. So we have decided to fight back. We are tired of the fringe labeling us fringe when we are really main stream, wedged between radical bible-belters on the right and the atheist rich-boy politburo members on the left. We are mainstream and we are proud of it....we are All-American. We are straight, gay, white, black, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Asian, male, female, you name it! But we are the core of the real America, not Hollywood elites, Giant Corporations, or a**holes. Most of us work for a living and if we don't, we're trying to find a job or start our own business. Some of us are doing OK, but many of us are struggling.
That's why we keep asking the question, Why Are People Messing with All-Americans?
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